There’s #TravelInspo everywhere in the world; from Instagram hashtags to your favorite cousin’s recent trip to Iceland, you’re constantly surrounded by pictures, articles, stories, books, and movies that are showing you the best (and worst) of traveling. And we are here to add to it, but in the best way.
Ready for some downright-serious-but-mostly funny travel advice? We want to share the worst travel inspiration you will EVER read, so you know what not to do when traveling abroad.
Warning: do NOT pin any of these on your Pinterest board.
ALL those who wander ARE lost.
When traveling, don’t forget to stay on the beaten path. Always stick to the big, touristy sites because the only reason why you’re there is to check attractions off your list! Oh and whatever you do, don’t go where the locals go. Who knows what could be beyond the Champs-Élysées? Quaint French bistros with local musicians? Undiscovered churches tucked into cobblestoned alleyways? Yikes! Your map probably doesn’t even cover those neighborhoods, so it’s better to just stick to what the guidebook told you and avoid the risk of getting lost.
Nothing good has ever come from a wild goose chase...
Pack your protein bars.
Here’s some travel advice to log away: whether you decide to travel to Argentina, Switzerland, or Vietnam, everyone knows you CANNOT trust local cuisine. Oh, and when it comes to street food, don’t even risk it! Although I’m sure all those travel blogs and Anthony Bourdain episodes have tried to convince you that there’s delicious food beyond the borders of your home country, you should just play it safe and avoid the local delicacies all together.
Sure, you might have one of the most life-changing culinary experiences of your life at that fresh fish taco truck, but is that really worth the risk of a slightly upset stomach or being forced to eat something you’ve never tried before? Eat at Chili’s in the airport or pack protein bars and pudding, because you’ll be snacking on them the entire trip!
Avoid the locals.
One of the best parts of traveling is hanging out with other travelers! There’s really no point in getting to know the locals, as you’re only traveling through their home and you won’t be staying long anyways. What’s the point in building cross-cultural friendships? Even if they somehow spoke your language, you wouldn’t be able to relate to them in any way. After all, they live in a completely different country! You don’t have anything in common.
So, when you’re on the road, you should only talk to those you’re traveling with or, at the very least, only talk to other travelers from the same country as you. They’re the only ones that really understand you (*cue Taylor Swift song here*).
It’s so nice that you don’t need to learn any phrases, vocabulary, or greetings in your host country’s language. This next piece of travel advice is to remind you that everyone in the world speaks your native language, which makes navigating another country not only easier, but also more polite! After all, as a guest in their country, you should be treated with respect and greeted in your own language when you arrive. Right?
Return those dictionaries and phrasebooks! You won’t be needing them any time soon, and all the menus at Chili’s will have pictures to explain the food, anyways.
Are you feeling inspired by our travel inspiration yet?
Passion for fashion.
There is no point to traveling if you don’t have the absolute perfect wardrobe before you leave. In fact, a crucial aspect of preparing for any trip is spending all of your travel money before you even arrive in the other country on Gucci boots.
Also, the most important part of your trip is looking good while you’re on it, so it’s totally acceptable to use up three hours getting ready in the morning. No one likes uneven eyeliner!
Avoid risky locales.
Here’s some good travel advice: traveling to countries that don’t have crystal-clear crime rate reports is not worth the time, money, or risk. A location that could be slightly unsafe is obviously NOT going to offer you any kind of enjoyment at all.
Oh and ladies, don’t even think of going it alone. Places like the Middle East or Asia are a no-no for all you single ladies, even if you’re just as careful when traveling as you are in your home country. Something bad is bound to happen, so just wait until you put a ring on it or find a buddy before venturing to those regions, because you won’t be safe exploring them until then.
Doing it for the Insta.
It’s important to schedule your entire trip around what social media posts you want to put out on Instagram/Snapchat/Facebook/Twitter/Vine/Tumblr/Pinterest. If you didn’t post a pic of you kissing an elephant in Thailand, did it even really happen?
The best way to travel is to always be planning your next blog post, even while you’re experiencing what you’ll be writing about. If you don’t document every single moment of your trip, it won’t even be worth it. “Being in the moment” is for those losers who actually care about meaningful travel experiences, and you don’t want to be one of them, do you? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Oh yea, and you should NEVER sign the MTM.
When in doubt, take a cab. Always. If you want funny travel advice, you’d be told to use public transit. Sure, this might be a little expensive, but the alternative means taking hours out of your day to walk. And while walking allows you to see the cities, appreciate your surroundings, and encounter things you might have otherwise missed...you still have to put in the effort of transporting yourself from place to place on your own two feet. What a draggggg.
Lost Luggage? Go home.
So you arrive at your destination and are waiting for your suitcase to come rolling down the luggage carousel...only to find out that your bags are lost. Verdict: time to throw in the towel and go home. Without your luggage, how could you possibly be expected to buy some new clothes from a local store, make the most of a bad situation, and continue on with your adventure?
Absolutely not an option. Lost luggage = a lost trip. It’s time to give up and call this one a wash! You probably should have just stayed home and played Pokemon Go anyway.
If the shoe fits...pack it.
It’s better to have too much than too little, right? Sure, everyone packs the basics (i.e. shoes, coat, shampoo), but you should be trying to fit as much as possible into that tiny carry-on suitcase before you get on the plane. Bringing more clothes means doing less laundry, so ignore bag restrictions or weight limits. What if you need that one sweater or that second Polaroid camera for all of your cute #vintage pics in front of the Great Wall of China?
You will totally still have room in your bag at the end of your trip for all your souvenirs, so don’t hold back! Oh and fold, don’t roll.
Treat Yo Self
From accommodations to meals to that romantic sunset horseback ride on the beach, splurging is the way to go when traveling. If you did your research beforehand you might be able to find affordable hostels or discover local, hole-in-the-wall restaurants that are far cheaper than the ristorante next to the Trevi fountain, but who has time for all of that? Besides, traveling is never affordable and the word “vacation” means spending all your money in two weeks. There’s really no other way to do it.
Or Honestly...Just Don’t Do It!
The best way to avoid all the stress, challenges, personal growth, and life-changing experiences of travel is to simply not go. Anytime you see a travel documentary, talk to your university’s study abroad office, or drool over maps, just remind yourself that traveling is difficult. Instead of traveling, you can just read about it or look at pictures of other people’s adventures!
After all, if you do it right, travel will not always be a picture-perfect resort of a vacation. You will have to (*shudder*) learn things about yourself, reevaluate the way you see the world, meet new people, and explore places you’ve never seen.
Do you really want to put yourself through all of that? Is it even worth it?
(Hint: it totally is, and all of the above is the worst travel inspiration you’ll ever read, so do the opposite! You want to decrease your chances of being labeled a jerkface don’t you!?)